I keep hearing all over the place about "the importance of work/home balance" and balance has long been a part of chronic illness management - but for me it can quickly become another weapon in the hands of imposters.
Like most people in the modern world I am have several parts of my life that have to be juggled. In theory the whole when to do what so they all fit together is a matter of simple scheduling only in real life of course its not. Right now I am in the middle of some personal upheaval which is requiring time and energy. I am not able to maintain even my rough plan of schedule to work towards becoming a successful photographer - and I have just realized I am writing in euphenisms when I have A) already posted I am ending a relationship and B)stated my intention to be clear and honest.
So I am dependent on benefits and having ended a relationship I have to update my claim - and at the same time there are changes in my adult childrens situations which for various reasons also impact on the benefits claim (this is not a blog about UK benefits - take my word for it they are way more complicated than you would think). Now as the country is in the middle of the introduction of a new benefit replacing old benefits the whole updating thing is more complicated that it would normally be - and even the advisors I have to deal with are not certain of the correct process and it is very hard to get solid answers as to the best options (because I do have options)
Now with all this seeing advisors and extra paperwork I am not able to do all the things I would on a normal week. Add to that we have just had a bank holiday, it is a busy week photography booked job wise, and I have to house and puppy sit at the weekend and er my week has gone. I am not able to do the "fill in" tasks that are supposed to be part of my week - like building my portfolio, and yes keeping this blog. I am not getting close to the whole rest and pacing pattern I am supposed to follow to manage symptoms.
And at 8 o clock at night when I have not cooked yet all I can hear in my head is this voice telling me how pathetic I am, how I cannot even manage to keep to a basic schedule and that this is the truth behind the big con - the benefits advisors think I know what I am doing (they tell me they think I know better than they do) my children think I can sort anything, people are still liking the photographs they ask me to do (voice helpfully pointing out how bad they were) and this voice is telling me stop trying give up admit you are useless and stop conning people.
PS - I am even beating myself up for missing the start of a podcast by Anna S.E Lundberg on imposters syndrome