My last post Flat Panic written at the start of the week when I was overwhelmed with thoughts did help me settle somewhat - especially the last paragraph about small steps. Having completed the first part of the universal credit application I took a couple of steps backward and made a deliberate effort to relax which was helped when I had a phone appointment with a doctor and so was able to tick a couple of things off my list to do.
Tuesday I focused on relaxation, I did a small amount of work but just as and when with no targets on amount to achieve, with plenty of reading, cruising the web in curiosity, and game playing. I was able to gain some distance and rest, and Wednesday I was able to get on with various tasks and work and felt much more productive. I took some deep breathes and considered the last week and totted up what I had actually achieved even if the physical results did not look much I felt I had done well. I felt a nice sense of calm - still lots to do going forward but it was like when you are untying a massive knot that looks hopeless and you tease this bit and that bit then something loosens and you find the knot has reduced which was a good feeling.
Thursday was not so good - I had various general living tasks to do and a photoshoot in the evening. I found I really struggled to settle into the photography, I could not get comfortable, I repeatedly got distracted, I struggled with light (as always on evening shoots) and at one point managed to accidentally change my camera settings which meant a series of shots was going to be off and I did not know how many or for how long. I knew I was shooting well below my normal level and processing the next day confirmed this - I had less acceptable photos than normal and none that I was really happy with.
Friday gave me a couple of small boosts - I was complimented on the photos from Thursday. It is a real struggle to accept compliments as sincere especially when the compliment is for photos I consider below my best but one of the methods considered important when dealing with imposters syndrome is the collecting and accepting of compliments - so the little voice in my head saying the compliment was just someone being nice has to go take a run and jump (which it doesnt) and I am concentrating on accepting the compliment as is. Then in the evening a family member I do not see very often told me on facebook that they did not realise the website I promote and sell my photos on was mine and that all the work was mine - and they further complimented my photographs. Again I am concentrating on just accepting the compliment and not analysing it to death picking it apart to find reasons its not genuine.
So in a week that started with a complete panic I managed to navigate myself to some calm and although I was not 100% happy with my work I have received compliments - so I will raise the good over the bad.