Caught up with myself (or small victories)

Been nearly a week since I made any kind of entry here - but not because I have been deliberately avoiding it.

Although I have a general idea of what I want to do and when over each week sometimes everything just goes mad, and all times I have to be aware of my health and make sure I am looking after myself as it goes without saying I cannot manage anything if ill in bed.

So these last few days have gone a bit off plan.  Saturday was a standard photo shoot with processing and publishing finished before I went to bed - so far so good.  Then Sunday was supposed to be another shoot, process finish, Monday driving my son who is waiting to do his driving test (after which time will be a lot easier to manage), Tuesday I had a job centre appointment, and some driving, Wednesday just driving.    This meant that I should be able to do little fill-in jobs like general portfolio work and including blogging on Monday and Wednesday.

So what actually happened?  I did the photoshoot on Sunday fine - but then some arrangements my son had made fell through so I had to drive him to work which delayed me starting processing.  The shoot was slightly different from normal and processing was taking longer than usual so I had already concluded it would have to be finished Monday.  Then I got a call about a news-story an hour away - so was out until gone midnight, with an early start the next morning I was left very tired which is something I have to be careful of.  I got the processing finished Monday along with the necessary driving but had been able to do none of the planned little fill-in jobs.

Tuesday I got through the planned interview OK - but had a major wobble 3/4 of the way through when I had another moment of "what on earth am I doing".  I have to be realistic that setting up self-employed to the extent I am able to actually earn money is a challenge and not easy, but some of the areas explored at the jobcentre were way ahead of the point I am actually at and while I am aware of them I am not yet focusing on them as there are other things that have to be managed and achieved first.  Having the big future things put in front of me was scary and triggered the whole "I cannot do this" thing.  However I did rally myself - I explained to the advisor that I have issues with self-doubt and imposters syndrome.  I made it clear I am aware of the things being asked about but that I recognize I will need help (which was why I was there) and that I have to take things one step at a time.  I am not exactly going to be doing a textbook job of "start your own business" because I have to work around my health but that my planning takes that into consideration.

After the interview, I had to pick my son up from work and ran into one of the seemingly small annoyances of everyday life that can cause ripple disturbances as they take longer than they should to sort.   Then I found I had to make an earlier start than expected Wednesday - with the result that I was completely exhausted and had to take the day as a total rest and not do any of the little bits of work I had planned.   I was seriously worried that I had overdone things and was facing a flare-up of the fibromyalgia which could make me ill for weeks and really put a brake on what I am trying to do.  With this in mind, I made the decision to switch off my alarms for this morning and allow a break in my sleep routine.  This needs careful consideration for me as maintaining a good sleeping/waking timetable is vitally important in symptom managment - a "lie in" can cause big disruptions.

So I get to this morning - and although I woke considerably later than I would normally I did wake up properly and feeling my normal self.  I did not have a nasty period of not being sure if I am awake or asleep, struggling to get conscious.  I did not wake up in severe pain.  I did not wake up feeling totally exhausted.  So its Thursday and despite several days of disruption I have just about caught up with myself and am where I intended to be at this point in the week.

I have got through the interview - and handled my fear that I am only pretending to be capable.   I am still writing this Blog.  I have had more positive feedback from photo shoots.   I have dealt with last minute plan changes.  I have (I hope) managed my health effectively.  The I hope is not me being negative - it is the realistic acknowledgement that sometimes no matter what I do my health plays up.  I am in a calm satisfied place I can see I have done OK.

Post Author: The Imposter