In the last week to ten days I have taken or completed several significant processes/steps on my way towards becoming (trying to become) self employed and it has all just hit me this morning and I am in a flat panic - how am I going to get through this I am going to fail, I cannot see how I will pay the bills, nobody is going to buy the photos, I have got my maths wrong, I am making a huge mistake I cannot do this. I am going to end up financially ruined - all the work I have put into managing my money to have some sort of resectable credit rating is going to be wiped out and I am going to end up another sad case living hand to mouth (or not even that) with debts she cant pay and no respect from anyone.
I have removed my partner from my claim. After consideration I am going to switch from ESA to Universal Credit because it is fairer on my children even though it is less money. I thought the change in circumstances was going to force the change anyway but it does not - and I have known and accepted that I am looking at weeks with no income while this changes. My head is filled with the numerous tasks I have to get through during this change period - all seemed possible in planning but now I feel like I have jumped off a cliff without a parachute. I must make a mental picture of it being a bridge not a cliff and while I may not have a parachute I hope to hell the bungee cord is on
I need to focus down on what needs to be done and manage small steps one at a time - and all I can see is this giant wave of things that I need to do, that I have time limits on, that is going to wipe me out. There is no-one to catch me - but nobody to drop me either which had been a fear for far too long. If there is no-one to catch me I must catch myself because I am the only one I can rely on.