My first real post was about how thoughts and feelings I typically experience when doing a project or completing a task. It occurred to me afterwards that that was probably not the best way to start – that I should start with how other people see me, how I appear to the world. The best way I can do this is to tell what people say to me – multiple people, multiple times and places, things that I hear. I feel that this is shameless boasting, trying to make myself look good, better than I am but these are things that people do tell me.
More than anything people seem to think I know what I am doing – that I am in control and organized, suitable for being in charge. “Ask her, She’ll know” seems to happen all over the place. Sometimes it is something I do know like directions around my town but a lot of the time it is things that more involved – anything from why a car is making a funny noise to what to do about a bank problem. When I was working or if I am engaged in a hobby people ask me how to do stuff – I will answer as well as I can but in my head there is a voice screaming “why are you asking me for I don’t know anything” People seem to see me as steady and responsible – I will be asked to “just take over this for a minute” by people far more experienced and skilled than me, and be put in positions of trust be it with confidential stuff or money. People tell me their PIN numbers and passwords when asking me to do them favours and while I would never abuse the trust I cannot understand why it is given in the first place.
From since I was a young child I have been called clever, smart, the bright one. While I do well in exams I don’t think I do anything especially exceptional. I just read a lot. People expect me to do well and are never surprised when I get the right answers to things even when I guess. People think that I am intelligent, that I have a good brain – “it’s obvious you highly intelligent” has been said to me more than once but it’s not obvious to me. People see me as someone who knows the answers to things.
Maybe the word I am looking for when considering the difference between what people see and what I feel is competence. People see me as someone who is secure and confident and competent in what I do. What I feel is I am desperately hanging on trying to get a purchase and hope nobody spots this because that would destroy the little hold I do have.
I have not even written this post well – it seems fake and shallow and talking a load of nonsense. Maybe in time, I will learn that writing nonsense is not fatal.